Kalian pasti pernah mengalami fase obsesi. Bentuknya beragam dan sifatnya adiktif. Dalam menjalankan obsesi untuk memuaskan keinginan kita yang tak terbatas, kita sampai lupa untuk melihat realita dan tanpa sadar “merusak” diri kita sendiri.

You must have experience obsession phase with various forms. It is addictive. When we are experiencing obsession to full-fill our infinite desire, we tend to forget to see the reality. The fact that we are slowly harming ourselves.

Thanks to this Corona situation, gue jadi bisa mencerminkan kehidupan yang sudah gue lakukan selama beberapa tahun ke belakang.

Thanks to this Corona situation, I’m able to reflect on my journey of life in the past years.

Kembali ke zaman gue SMP, sekitaran tahun 2014 sampai 2017. Dahulu, gue termasuk anak yang bisa dibilang ambisius dalam bidang akademik. Pada zaman itu pula gue untuk pertama kalinya mencoba yang namanya begadang. Awalnya begadang itu ya rasanya baik-baik saja, tidak merasakan efek samping. Ada rasa senang karena bisa begadang buat belajar dan mengerjakan PR di saat teman-teman gue saat itu sudah tertidur lelap. Sampai-sampai gue dulu punya nama panggilan khusus, yaitu “kalong” 🦇.

Back to my junior high school years around 2014 to 2017. I was so-called “ambitious student” in academics. It was my first time trying to stay up late. At first, staying up late felt fine, not feeling any side effects. There was some slight feeling of happiness because I could stay up late to study and do my homework while my friends were fell asleep around those hours. I even had a nickname back then, “bat” 🦇.

Dahulu itu gue sering menjadi penolong tengah malam teman-teman gue, pokoknya kalau ada masalah tugas, terus pada stuck mereka pada chat gue dan gue bantuin. (Ini masih fase merasa jadi malaikat penolong).

I was kind of like a helper at midnight for my friends, when they were having trouble with some tasks they would message me and asked for my help. (I was still in the phase of feeling like a guardian angel).

Tiga tahun berlalu dengan kebiasaan itu, efeknya baru dirasakan saat gue di bangku SMA. Kesehatan gue anjlok, gue jadi gampang sakit, dan konsentrasi gue buyar. Apalagi dunia SMA bedanya jauh banget dari SMP, yang mana dengan jadwal yang berbeda berarti gue harus mengubah kebiasaan gue juga.

Three years passed by with that habit, I could feel the effect when I was in my senior high school years. My health got worse, I got sick effortlessly, and I couldn’t concentrate well. The circumstance between junior and senior years was pretty much different. I had to change my habit.

Saat awal SMA, gue agak kesusahan untuk mengadaptasikan kebiasaan begadang gue menjadi tidur jam 10. Namanya juga sudah obsesi, lepasnya susah.

At the beginning of my senior year in high school, it was a bit tough for me to manage my habit from staying up late to fell asleep at 10. Well, that’s an obsession. It’s hard to let it go.

Satu bulan berlalu, obsesinya mulai perlahan lepas. Tiba-tiba ditawarin untuk ikut Pemilihan Abang None Buku, tidak tahu gue kenapa hari itu dan gue menyetujui tawaran itu.

A month passed, my obsession slowly let go. Suddenly, I got offered for Abang None Buku Audition. I didn’t know what happened to me on that day and I accepted it.

Technical meeting pemilihan itu pas banget di hari Sabtu nya. Hadir, menerima info, balik ke sekolah, bikin visi, misi dan program kerja, pulang, menyiapkan diri untuk audisi di hari berikutnya.

The technical meeting for the audition was right on Saturday. I went there, got some information, went back to the school, made vision, mission and program, went home, preparing myself for the audition on the next day.

Setelah audisi, dilanjut dengan pengumuman Top 10, puji Tuhan gue masuk urutan ke 2 dari 10 saat itu. Gue merasa senang banget saat itu, karena gue belum pernah menyentuh arena kompetisi sebelumnya.

After auditioning, the Top 10 announced. Thank God, I was in second place out of ten. I felt blissful because I had never been in any competition before.

Baru karantina beberapa hari, badan gue drop. Tidur tidak cukup, tubuh yang belum sepenuhnya beradaptasi jadi hancur lagi. Sampai final wilayah pun, gue tetap tampil walaupun kesehatan gue sudah tidak stabil. Semua senior takut gue tiba-tiba pingsan di atas panggung, puji Tuhan gue tetap bisa berdiri dengan kokoh, masih bisa senyum dengan unjuk gigi, dan terlihat baik-baik saja. Walaupun sebenarnya gue di dalam ini menahan rasa sakit.

It was only a few days of camp. I started to feel sick by not having enough sleep, so it got worsen (again). Even until the coronation night, I still try my best to be on stage even though my health was already unstable. My seniors were afraid if I suddenly passed out on stage, thank God I could stand still, smile, and looking all fine. But the truth was that I was holding back all the pains.

Saat itu gue masuk Top 5, yang mana itu berarti gue harus melanjutkan lagi ke final provinsi. Di posisi ini gue bingung. Gue pun ngobrol sama orang tua gue dan hasilnya gue dengan berlapang dada harus mengundurkan diri. Iya, sedih rasanya. Gue nangis di kamar gue, rasanya sakit banget harus melepas itu. Tapi gue tetap harus bisa “waras” karena kesehatan gue itu jauh lebih penting.

So, I was in the Top-5 it meant I had to continue this pageant to the next round. I was confused. I talked to my parents about it. Then, I decided to step down. Yes, it was such a miserable. I cried in my room. It was such a pain to let it go. But I had to stay sane because my health was much more precious.

Hari demi hari kesehatan gue semakin buruk, akhirnya gue masuk rumah sakit.

My health just got worsen day after day then I eventually sent to the hospital.

Rabu, 25 Oktober 2017. 17:00 WIB. Gue divonis anemia dengan feritin 4,09 ng/ml. Menjalanin proses pengobatan yang memakan waktu sekitar tiga bulan.

Wednesday, October 25th, 2017. 17:00 WIB. My doctor told me I had anaemia with a ferritin level of 4.09 ng/ml. Later then, I was in treatment for approximately three months.

Masuk tahun 2018, gue mulai mengubah kebiasan-kebiasan buruk gue. Gue tidak mau bolak-balik masuk Rumah Sakit terus. Selama pelajaran Kimia dan Biologi yang menyangkut tentang kesehatan dan gizi, gue benar-benar memerhatikan banget karena gue mau mengubah lifestyle ini menjadi sehat.

In 2018, I started to change my bad habits. I didn’t want to keep going to the hospital over and over. I was so focused during Chemistry and Biology class whenever it talked about health and nutrition. Why? Because I want a healthier lifestyle.

Kesehatan gue perlahan membaik. Nilai gue kembali normal, walaupun kalau lagi olahraga gue tidak bisa bertahan terlalu lama dan menjadi anak UKS sampai lulus. Soalnya kalo ikut baris pas upacara pingsan terus. Daripada di UKS cuma tiduran terus, kadang gue sering bantuin anggota PMR buat tulis absensi pasien yang masuk UKS selain gue, hehehe.

My health was getting better. My grades were back to normal even though when it was P.E. class I couldn’t last for long. I was always in the school’s health clinic until I graduated from that school. Why? Because if I joined the flag ceremony, I would always passed-out. Sometimes, I helped the *PMR to write down patients’ attendance besides me rather than just laying in bed all the time, hehehe.

*Palang Merah Remaja (Youth Red Cross)  is an organization fostered by the Indonesian Red Cross (PMI or Palang Merah Indonesia) which is based in schools to provide first aid and other things that related to health care. (Source: pmi.or.id)

Setelah hiatus dari “dunia perkompetisian” selama satu tahun, gue mulai mengikuti kegiatan-kegiatan lagi di tahun 2019. Gue mengikuti program belajar Remedial di *Gudskul selama satu tahun.

*Pada tahun 2018, ruangrupa bersama Serrum dan Grafis Huru Hara menggagas GUDSKUL: Contemporary Art Collective and Ecosystem Studies (atau singkatnya GUDSKUL /ɡʊd skuːl/), sebuah ruang belajar publik. GUDSKUL dirancang untuk menciptakan ruang belajar simulasi kerja kolektif yang mempromosikan pentingnya dialog kritis dan eksperimental melalui proses berbagi dan pembelajaran berbasis pengalaman. (Sumber: ruru.ruangrupa.org)

I decided to join another activity in 2019 after a year hiatus from “the competition realm”. I joined a year study program called Remedial at *Gudskul.

*In 2018, ruangrupa together with Serrum and Grafis Huru Hara initiated GUDSKUL: Contemporary Art Collective and Ecosystem Studies (or, for short, GUDSKUL /ɡʊd skuːl/), a public learning space. GUDSKUL designed to create a collective working simulation study space that promotes the importance of critical and experimental dialogue through a sharing process and experience-based learning. (Source: ruru.ruangrupa.org)

Obsesi baru pun muncul. Gue lebih suka di Gudskul daripada di sekolah. Di sana itu rasanya waktu cepat banget karena sangat menikmatinya berada di sana. Rasanya seperti di atmosfer lain yang isinya adalah orang-orang yang punya misi yang sama.

A new obsession was born. I prefer Gudskul rather than school. Time flies rapidly at Gudskul because I enjoyed it that much. It felt like I was in a different atmosphere that filled with people who had the same mission as I do.

Pada pertengahan 2019, gue mulai mengikuti les intensif untuk UTBK/SBMPTN setiap hari Minggu dari jam 07.30–15.00 WIB. Dalam arti, gue tidak ada waktu istirahat dalam satu minggu. Sampai akhirnya, ada satu hari setelah pameran tunggal gue selesai, tepatnya di pertengahan bulan Februari 2020. (Lama juga ya).

In mid-2019, I started to take an intensive course for *UTBK/SBMPTN every Sunday at 07.30–15.00 WIB. Which means, I had no time to take a rest within a week. Eventually, there was a day for me to take a rest. It was right after my solo exhibition ended around mid-February 2020 (That was a pretty long time to wait).

*A competitive test for undergraduate admissions in public universities in Indonesia. Students may choose one out of 3 exams: Science (Basic Test, Math, Physics, Chemistry, and Biology), Social Science (Basic Test, Economy, Sociology, Geography, and History), or Mixed (Both of them). Each major in each university falls into a Science or Social Science category. (Source: wikipedia.org)

2019 bisa dibilang sebagai tahun tersulit buat gue. Kenapa?

2019 was my troublesome year. Why?

Gue saat itu sudah di kelas 12, les intensif buat UTBK, mengurusi pameran, dan belajar untuk beragam hal perihal syarat kelulusan.

I was in 12th grade at that time. I had to attend my intensive course, preparing my solo exhibition, and studying for my graduation requirements.

Awal kelas 12 masih berjalan dengan mulus. Tidak ada aneh-aneh, seperti sakit, dsb. Gue sudah membuat plan untuk belajar materi SOSHUM beberapa bulan kedepan sampai udah beli buku persiapannya juga.

At the beginning of 12th grade, everything went flawlessly. There were no such things as got sick, etc. I had made plans for my study for the next few months. I even already bought the book.

Hal-hal terjadi. Entah darimana, gue tiba-tiba sakit. Ke dokter, minum obat, masih sakit. Satu minggu berlalu dan tidak ada tanda kemajuan.

Stuff happens. Out of nowhere, I suddenly got sick. I went to the doctor, taking the medication, and still feeling sick. A week passed, there was no sign of progression.

Awalnya gue mengira bahwa itu adalah anemia gue dan ternyata bukan. Selang satu bulan, masih sakit. Akhirnya gue perlahan mulai jarang masuk sekolah karena kondisi tersebut.

In the beginning, I thought it was my anaemia, but unfortunately, it was not. A month passed, still feeling sick. I started to skip school.

Rasanya sakit banget, harusnya gue belajar untuk UTBK tetapi malah sebaliknya yang terjadi. Hampir setiap hari gue selalu menangis karena ketidakmampuan badan gue. Posisi gue di saat itu juga serba salah, mau tenang juga tidak bisa karena ada banyak tekanan dari sekolah khususnya.

It was a depressing moment. I should be studying at that time, but what happened was the opposite. I cried almost every day because of the inability of my body. That moment was awry for me. I couldn’t rest in peace because there were lots of pressures, especially from school.

Gue akhirnya ke rumah sakit untuk check-up lagi dan hasilnya tidak ada apa-apa. Bahkan hasil tes darah gue bagus, kecuali ya memang ada anemia juga tetapi ringan. Gue hanya diizinkan mendapatkan infus vitamin saraf, multivitamin, dan *obat penenang/sedatif.

*Sedatif adalah jenis obat resep yang memperlambat aktivitas otak Anda. Obat ini biasanya digunakan untuk membuat Anda merasa lebih rileks. Dokter biasanya meresepkan obat penenang untuk mengatasi kondisi seperti kecemasan dan gangguan tidur. Mereka juga menggunakannya sebagai anestesi umum. (Sumber: healthline.com)

I went to the hospital for another check-up and the result was all great. Even my blood test result was good (Except for my anaemia, but it was mild and not the central source of my illness). I was only allowed to get nerve vitamin infusion, multivitamins, and *sedative.

*Sedatives are a type of prescription medication that slows down your brain activity. They are typically used to make you feel more relaxed. Doctors commonly prescribe sedatives to treat conditions like anxiety and sleep disorders. They also use them as general anaesthetics. (Source: healthline.com)

Apakah itu membuat kondisi gue lebih baik? Sedikit.

Does it make me feel better? A bit.

Oh iya dan satu lagi, dokter juga bilang kalau gue itu BUTUH refreshing, gue harus pergi ke suatu tempat yang tenang dan menikmati waktu untuk diri gue sendiri. Tetapi itu tidak akan berhasil jika urusan sekolah dan pameran saja belum selesai.

And one more thing, the doctor also told me that I NEED refreshing. I had to go to a quiet place and enjoy the moment for myself. But unfortunately, it won’t work since the school and solo exhibition matters were still unfinished.

Dua bulan berlalu, kerjaan gue hanya bolak-balik dari rumah ke rumah sakit dan dari rumah ke psikiater. Tidak masuk sekolah dan gue mulai berhenti untuk mengejar materi sekolah karena badan gue sudah tidak kuat. Hanya bisa berbaring menahan rasa sakit, berdoa, dan menikmati waktu-waktu di rumah bersama keluarga gue.

Two months passed, going back and forth from home to the hospital and from home to the psychiatrist just became my routine. I didn’t attend school and started to stop catching-up any school subjects because I couldn’t. All I could do were holding back the pains, prayed, enjoying every moment at home with my family.

Pada posisi itu gue belajar akan betapa berharganya waktu bersama keluarga itu. Yang awalnya gue terlalu fokus sama kegiatan gue sendiri, akhirnya sadar bahwa ada permata yang lebih berharga daripada semua pencapaian yang sudah gue dapatkan, yaitu keluarga.

At that moment, I learned about how precious it was to spend times with my family. Well, I used to be too focused on my own until I realized that there is a way valuable gem than all of my achievements. It is family.

Masuk bulan ketiga, bokap gue membawa gue ke dokter spesialis penyakit dalam. Awalnya gue mendapatkan diagnosis sakit jantung dan dirujuk untuk check-up lebih lengkap di Rumah Sakit Jantung dan Pembuluh Darah Harapan Kita.

Another month passed, my dad brought me to an *internist. At first, I was diagnosed with heart disease and referred for a complete check-up at the National Cardiovascular Center Harapan Kita.

*An internist is a medical doctor who specializes in internal medicine. This branch of medicine covers a wide range of conditions that affect the organs inside the body. Internists only work with adults and not with children or adolescents. (Source: medicalnewstoday.com)

Setelah diperiksa dari jantung sampai paru-paru ternyata hasilnya sehat semua. Profesornya sampai kasih selamat dan menjabat tangan gue.

After my heart and lungs all checked, it turned out all great. Even the Professor congratulated me and shook my hands.

Balik lagi ke dokter spesialis penyakit dalam itu dan beliau akhirnya menemukan akarnya. Ternyata akarnya ada di lambung. Akhirnya, gue dikasih obat lambung khusus dan *alprazolam.

*Alprazolam digunakan untuk mengobati gangguan kecemasan dan gangguan panik (serangan mendadak, tak terduga dari ketakutan ekstrim dan gelisah tentang serangan ini). Alprazolam berada dalam kelas obat yang disebut benzodiazepin. Obat ini bekerja dengan mengurangi rangsangan abnormal di otak. (Sumber: medlineplus.gov)

I went back to the internist then he finally found the source. It was the stomach. I got the proper medication for my stomach and *alprazolam.

*Alprazolam is used to treat anxiety disorders and panic disorder (sudden, unexpected attacks of extreme fear and worry about these attacks). Alprazolam is in a class of medications called benzodiazepines. It works by decreasing abnormal excitement in the brain. (Source: medlineplus.gov)

Setelah menunggu lama, akhirnya mulai ada tanda-tanda kemajuan. Seneng banget rasanya. Bisa ketawa lepas lagi.

After a long wait, eventually, there were signs of progress toward my health. I was delighted. I finally could laugh without pain.

Pada akhir tahun 2019, gue pergi ke Bali dan disana banyak sekali hal-hal yang tak terduga terjadi (dalam konotasi positif ya).

At the end of 2019, I went to Bali. There were lots of unexplained things happened (in a positive connotation).

‘Kenapa sih judulnya obsesi?’ Gue menamakannya “obsesi” karena gue memiliki obsesi untuk menggali diri gue lebih dalam, mengetahui siapa gue, mengejar mimpi dan menggapai tujuan hidup gue. Tetapi tanpa sadar, gue sampai lupa untuk menjaga diri gue sendiri (fisik dan mental).

‘Why did you name this blog obsession?’ I named it “obsession” because I have obsessions to find out more about myself, knowing who am I, seize my dream and purpose of life. Yet, I tend to forget to take care of myself (physically and mentally).

Ambis boleh dan bahkan HARUS, tetapi jangan lupa kesehatan kamu itu tetaplah nomor satu.

You can and MUST be ambitious, yet don’t ever forget that your health is still your top priority.

Dalam proses tiga tahun belakangan tersebut gue juga belajar, bahwa seberapa pun kerja keras yang sudah gue limpahkan ke karya-karya dan usaha-usaha gue itu tidak akan pernah sempurna tanpa adanya rasa untuk mencintai diri gue sendiri. Terakhir, jangan pernah menggorbankan kesehatan kamu demi keinginan temporer karena kesehatan kamu itu permanen.

In the past three years of process, I learned that no matter how much effort I put on my work of art and anything else, the result will never be perfect without self-love. And last but not least, don’t ever sacrifice your health upon your temporary desire because your health is a permanent matter.

Bagaimana dengan kamu? Apa obsesimu? Dan bagaimana cara kamu menghadapinya?

How about you? What’s your obsession? And how do you deal with it?

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